Diary of a genderband
by Craig and those guys
Summary: After turning into a girl, Kyle must face the everyday life of a girl; boys, make-up, shoes, romance, and health issues. Genderbent!Kyle multiple pairings.
1. Chapter 1

**17 May, 2003. **

I am writing this diary for my mother's purposes, She has ask me to write down everything that happens in my new life, can compare it to my old.

You're probably wondering what my new life is? Well you have a right to wonder, I will explain all momentarily, before I wanted to note my name, birth and some facts about me...

My name is Kyle Broflovski, or was, my new name is Lilah Broflovski, Lilah meaning night. When my mum tried renaming me kyla, (which means victorious in hebrew) I nearly freaked, thinking that people would know who I really was.

I was born in 1989, which makes me fourteen, my birthday is on the 26 May, I'm looking forward to it this year.

I still live in south park, but I've had to adjust recently, which has been a struggle, but I have managed it... I've had girls dragging me all around town picking new outfits for me to wear, Including beauty, hair, soaps and creams, and underwear. My new collection of bra's panties and knee high socks still seem to amaze me.

Ok, I've realised you've waited long enough.

I'm writing this diary because a fat-arse of the name of Eric Theodore Cartman, turned me into a girl. How?

Once again good question, I'm not sure so far, but I must of pissed him off immensely for him to do this to me, I thought that he knew where the line was? Well.. This is Eric Cartman we are talking about. But, all I know is how he did it. We was at his house and he came out with drinks, giving them to Kenny, Stan, Butters and me, (or I?) Without thinking I downed the drink, Cartman gave me a knowing smile, at the time I had no idea why he had done that and regarded him, now I know exactly.

Oh, and this happened about a month ago around valentines, and now with my birthday coming up, I hope I can tell just my closest friends and not being laughed at.

The only person that knows outside my family and Eric is, Craig Mother Fucker Tucker.

I swear I don't give that boy enough credit, because the minute I flashed my teeth at the class in an attempt of a smile on my 'first' day, he knew it was me.

I had to sit on the desk next to him and, he immediately began asking questions, trying to catch me out, but I tried to remain as quiet as possible... Although it was hard. He began to get very close to me, and once we was close, about a week or so after we had 'met' he told me.

He was just looking at me from the other side of his bed, his hands occupied with the hem on my skirt. (I KNOW! I wore it because my mother had insisted, I also wore knee high socks, and I green blouse, with a grey jumper, It looked better than you would think... anyway) His hands stopped, which indicated something, he took a breath before talking as if he was asking me what I wanted for dinner tonight.

"I know you're kyle"

I was immediately struck with fear, if he knows, who has he told? who will he tell? if he knew why is he being nice? What's he going to do?

I could feel my blush, and Craig looked at me in such a fashion to confirm he's right.

"No, no, no.. you've got it wrong" I was shaking my head at this point, looking down at my hands, anywhere but looking into his deep grey emotionless eyes.

"Kyle, I know, gigs up" I looked at him, oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

I don't know why, but I lept of the bed, and tried to run to the door, but strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist, and the ground began to disappear.

1. If I was a boy I could've totally kicked his arse.

2. When I changed I lost a few inches that I really needed, I was short enough as it was, all the other boys around me shooting up from the ground like jake and that fucking beanstalk. typical.

3. Craig, Craig is just as tall as he is strong, he broke this kids nose just by punching him once, and he is the tallest boy in the class, maybe even year? I don't know.

Where was I?

He threw me onto the bed like I was a stuffed animal, I tried to get back up again (making girly pathetic sounds, ew, ew, ew.) Before he lunged on me, pinning me down to the bed, I struggled before I looked into his grey eyes, how I wish I hadn't.

And, because I was now a girl, My hormones were everywhere, I began to cry...

"And, I wanted you to know that I'm fine with it, and I promise I won't tell anyone" His voice was calm, and at this I stopped struggling to watch him climb off of me, and walk to the door, opening it for me.

I remember staring at him in disbelief for what had seemed like hours, and when he finally said "what" I ran and hugged him, tightly. Too tightly.

I could tell he was shocked at first, I mean, I would have been, but after briefly hesitating, he hugged me back, The underneath of his neck resting on the top of my head. I felt his warmth as we stood there for a while, just holding one another, before carrying on like nothing ever happened, he's a good friend like that. To this day, he still acts like nothing happened.

Which is nice, I'm still close with all of my "old" friends, but made more of the same gender as I am now.

It's funny, I never really understood girls? They're sudden bursts, how they would bitch and judge people, how they would turn on you in an instant.

It's because they want a fairytale, they want to be cool, popular, they don't just want to be living, they want to be someone.

Its horrible because I now sometimes can be like that, I completely feel stupid afterwards, and apologize, of course.

I remember the first time Bebe took me shopping, my mum gave me loads of money to spend because I only had jeans and a bag t-shirt, she made me even more girlier because of my legs? I don't know, but we ended up with makeup, and when I told her I had never worn it, I think she set me challenge to make me look really good in it, and she has.

I need to stop filling you with this useless information.


	2. Chapter 2

18 May, 2003.

My birthday is less than a week away, and normally I wouldn't bother, but I'm really unsure about what I've got this year, maybe its make up? Perfume? Hair dye to get this god awful red out of my hair? Straighteners? The possibilities are endless.

Craig has told me to tell they guys, I think I should, maybe Stan won't be so angry, if I don't tell him Craig knows. Me and Stan aren't as close as we was, it somehow upsets me? But the constant dirty glare I see coming from Wendy everytime I'm with him, tells me that what we've got now is fine.

Its sad because I miss how me and Stan was, even though lately Stan has been acting more violent, the first time I realised this was when I was a boy still and Craig and those guys came up to us, and told us about how 'cool' Stan's knitted jumper from his grandma' was.

"Hey, Stan, nice jumper dude, where did you get it?"

"Yeah Stan, I want one"

"Fuck off, before I kick all of your arses!" At this point Stan was already red and his fist was clenched tightly into balls, I actually made himself bleed by digging into his skin too much.

"Calm down cool kid" Craig had his hands out slightly gesturing a calm down movement with his hands.

"Craig, fuck off before I put you in hospital."

"Marsh, lets face it, you wouldn't touch me."

"Oh yeah, and how do you know that,huh?"

"Because you wouldn't want your precious jumper getting ruined."

Stan literally jumped at Craig, who had already Dodged and was on top of Stan.

"Told you, you would get your jumper mucky" He gave him that smile that proved how superiour he was before punching Stan, I just stood there as it all happened, but before I could help Stan, my arms were being held by Clyde and Tweak, these boys are nice, sometimes. I was cursing and trying to pull out of their grasp as Craig beat the shit out of Stan.

Finally Stan punching and kicking at Craig, but Craig just touched him, and he squeaked, letting Craig just politely sit up... weird.

Stan went on for weeks about this, before he completely kicked Craig's hot arse. Craig just laughed which made Stan more mad, I had to calm him down, getting a couple of punches myself.

Anyway...

Also for my birthday Red has done something really sweet, she is having a sleepover with us all, Me, Wendy, Bebe, Heidi, Nicole... ect... I've never been to a girl only sleepover so this should be fun. We haven't actually stopped talking about it, and I'm sort of looking forward to it...

We've been talking about the talent show, and all of the girls are going to do it, some in pairs, and some individually, its for fun, I know, but I can't help think how everyone will turn on one another, until this is over. I'm not doing it on the basic of being talentless, unless you add super quick math as a talent...

I remember butters telling me about his girls only sleepover, and I started to get scared.


	3. Chapter 3

26 May, 2003.

Today is my birthday, I have opened all of my presents, I got straighteners, a blow dryer, pajamas, soaps, video games, and Ike gave me the cutest card. He told me that nothing else mattered to him as long as I was happy, and he didn't care about what I looked like on the outside, because he would always love his Kyle. (or Lilah.) Nothing else mattered when I read that, telling Stan, the sleepover, The talent show, Craig. Everything had left me with a peaceful silence that stayed with me until noon. When Stan, Kenny and Cartman would come round.

You're probably wondering everything that happened, and they was a lot.

It started with casual talk, playing new video games, until I took Cartman of to one side to tell him everything that I was planning and how I needed him to be on his side for once. When Cartman nodded, the small tight fur ball that was lodged in my throat slid back down.

"Good luck, Jew girl. Don't tell him about Craig." This time I nodded, we walked back into the lounge to see Stan and Kenny starring at us.

"Uh, what you doing?" Kenny asked, That cheeky tone on his lips that only Kenny McCormick could do.

"We-I, need to tell you two something" The TV was paused, and all eyes was on me. "You see, fat arse over here, well he.. um-"

"I turned this jew rat into a girl." Cartman blurted, I looked at Cartman with wide eyes, only to receive them from Stan and Kenny.

"Lilah, is this true?"

"Yes... Please don't tell anyone, and pppleeeease" My voice became more of a wine "Don't get mad."

"B-But, how?! Why?! When did Cartman get to know before me, Wait no, Who knew before me?" His voice had raised, and his face red with anger. Kenny took this opportunity to try and stop the argument about to happen.

"Thank You Lilah, for telling us" He stood, and walked over to me. " I'm guessing you're only telling people you trust, and if I'm one of them, then I'm delighted!" He voice beaming and high as he pulled me in for a tight squeeze, I don't know for sure, but I think he whispered, "Don't worry, I've got you're back, Kyle" I smiled, only for a second, because Kenny pulled away, and slipped behind me, letting silence drop into the room once again.

"Stan, please-" I started, he just got up and walked over to me, not happily, or like he was going to walk past me, he strode so he knew I felt intimidated. Which of course, I was.

"Who?" His words wasn't more of a whisper, but I felt them sending electric shocks down my back. I hated when he turned into monster Stan.

"Um..Cartman, Ike, my mu-"

"Not your family dumb-arse, com'on who?" His words was now stabbing me, letting them rip from inside be me before I fell.

"Craig" I whispered it, but it was loud enough.

"What? Fucking Craig. I thought we was friends you bastard, but apparently not-"

"Stan.."

"No, You're disgusting kyle, no, you're worse, you're a whore. a slut-"

"Stan stop!" I felt Kenny words almost protect me.

"NO, NO I WILL NOT STOP. YOU MAY LIKE HANGING AROUND WITH LIARS, BUT I SURE AS HELL DON'T"

"Stan, She told you, didn't she?"

"She told him first, so I obviously don't mean anything!"

"I Didn't tell him, He found out!" I wailed, I turned my back and with my head in my hands, I fell into Kenny's protective arms.

"DIRTY ARSE HOLE." I stopped listening my ears had popped from the crying, I was sure my eye make-up had ran, and my nose was dribbling. Then I heard the slam of the front door, I jumped around, only realising that Stan had left, and was probably going to Craig for some reason?

But boy, wasn't I right.

I slid my shoes on and ran out the door, I could hear my name faintly as I ran towards Craig's house, I got there to see Stan leaning over a Craig who was lying on the floor. I freaked at this, I really did, because I pushed Stan, but I got backhanded across my face.

"Stan, what are you doing, stop!" I ran in front of Stan, almost protecting Craig, my skirt swishing at my sudden movements. "He helped me, he looked after me, he was there when you wasn't!" I was yelling. "Stan, you're my best friend? Why can't you accept that I have other friends too."

"You can have other friends, just not with him."

"Woo-hoh"Craig said in a stop sort of way, standing between us, he faced Stan and Smirked. "I never thought I'd see Marsh wear the pant's in a relationship" He chuckled to himself, before punching Stan, he new what made Stan tick. "Fuck off." and with that Crraig vanished into the kitchen.

"I Can't believe you 'Lilah'" and with that, Stan was gone too.

I was awkwardly stood in Craig's doorway, before he returned with a can of coke, still cold, he invited me in and asked what happened.

I explained to him the same story as I have to you.

It's a shame, that the two don't get along, they have lot in common.

Anyway with that aside, I'm off to red sleepover,bye.


	4. Chapter 4

27 May, 2003.

I've just got back from Red's. I had so much fun, I had gotten there at six and everyone jumped out and shouted surprise, there was a cake, and when we went down the stairs, to the basement, which was decorate for the night there was music and everyone was giggling.

Speak now, by Taylor Swift came on and everyone was singing, including me.

"Wow, Liliah, you are really good!" Bebe said, she was loud enough for everyone to hear her. So when Wendy turned off the music, I was pressured into singing for them.

"Sing!"

"But I can't.."

"Do it! Do it!" They all sang in unison, before I gave in.

"OK, fine!" They was a woo, as the room when quiet. "I am not the kind of girl, who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion, but you, are not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl.." I fade before Red butted in

"Wow, you like, totally need to do the Talent show!" the room filled with nods and 'yeah's' was the music turned back on.

I felt really embarrassed, even more, when we all began dancing, for the first time I felt, almost sexy...

We stopped and went to bed after a long time gossiping about Crushes and things.

"So, Wendy who do you fancy?"

"Token!"

"Bebe?"

"It was kyle, but.. now I can't say."

"Why?

"Just can't"

"Lilah?" I just sat there for a minute, in front of these girls I barely knew.

"I don't really have a crush" They must have noticed how off my voice was because before I knew it I said it.

"Craig."


	5. Chapter 5

29 May, 2003.

I'm only writing for a short while today, I wanted to tell you that, Kenny and Clyde admitted to watching me dance, and said that I looked nice... I mean, I was completely oblivious, I turned red when they told me. Bright red. Redder than my hair. Redded than the colour red itself.. you get the point.

Thankfully they couldn't here, and left way before we admitted who we liked.

**Thank you Lord**


	6. Chapter 6

1 June, 2003.

Pinch, punch first day of the month!

Something odd happened today, something that in my whole life, even as Kyle Broflovski, has never happened to me; Stan came to me to apologise!

I was so shocked when I opened my front door to see him, I thought it was going to be Hiedi and Bebe who I was going out with later.

I looked a mess as well, I was in a green striped onesie which show of how big my boobs are, there not hugely massive, but they're out there, I like the size,, half of my red hair was down and straight and the other was up in a bun ready to be straighten, I had no makeup on.

He was playing with his hands, and I invited him in, only because I had to turn my straightners off.

I could hear him walking up the stairs behind me, and once I got to my room, turned off my straightners, I spun around, one hand on my hip and looked at him.

"yes?" He wasn't looking at me, but how much my room has changed. Instead of white with posters of cars and gory movies, it was filled with bands and photos of me and my friends since I had changed into a girl.

He snapped out of his daydream and looked at me. "Oh, yeah.. I.. Wanted to apoligise..."

"OK. Carry on." I was being blunt and rude, I know I know. He rubbed the back of his neck and sat on my cream beautiful queen sized bed.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted, it was a real shock to find out what had happened, and when I found out that Craig knew I lost it. Can you forgive me Kyle?"

"Liliah." I was still being blunt, I wish I hadn't. "But ok, We're super best friends remember!" I saw his face turn from a soggy cat to a Chesire cat, it really was nice to see my best friend smiling at me!

"Yes, yes we are."

"Stan, Why don't you like Craig anyway?"

"He's just a dick, I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok"

"Your room has changed so much, and why are you straightening your hair? It looks nice curly!" This made my heart jump, I hated my curly locks, I can't do anything with them, They just get in my way and I told him this, he just stared at me blankly.

"You really have turned into a girl haven't you, eh" He snorted, and I shot a glare at him.

But we're fine now, we sat and talked while I got ready, then he left as Bebe and Heidi showed up.

We went into town and got loads of clothing, I don't have any room in my wardrobe anymore, but I don't think that matters.


	7. Chapter 7

5th June, 2003.

I got invited to clyde's birthday party, His birthday is on the tenth, so I'm going into town with Kenny, whom's mothers birthday's is on the 16th, I think I'll end up paying for him, but that ok.

I remember the first time going to Clyde's party, It was amazing, there was loads food, and drinks, everyone ended up doing seven minutes in heaven and spin the bottle, I wonder what it's going to be like now that we're all fourteen, fifteen, There will probably be drinks and his parents are most likely going to be out somewhere, I'll have to remember to write it all down.

Today I went to craig's, and I told him about stan.

"Stan apologised to me."

"Good."

"Why good?"

"Broflovski, he punched me in the nose!"

"Ok, but why don't you to like each other?"

"We just don't click, I don't even like the kid so it doesn't matter if we're not friends. Anyway, on a subject that isn't depressing, I invited you to Clyde's party"

"Really, thanks"

"Well he told me to tell you he invited you."

"Ok, when is it?"  
"10th, I'm coming round to pick you up"

"Since when does my safety concern you?" I was feeling good inside by now, I had a new chance at school, and got on with everyone even though I am the same Shy bookworm.

"Since you grew tits."

"Oh, ha ha Tucker very funny, anyway, what time are you coming round?"

"8"

I was blushing really badly when he told me he was coming over. He's such a lovely boy, I don't know how I didn't see this when I was a boy. When we in six he got braces and they really suited him, especially with those large black rimmed glasses he wears, I had a pair too, though they don't suit me like him!


	8. Chapter 8

6 June, 2003.

I went into town with Kenny today after looking in load of different stores, we got his mother some new pajamas, shoes, and soaps, and then going to the record shop we got Clyde a CD, Craig told me his favorite bands, So I got him one of the them, It didn't cost much, and Kenny got him so magazines. Those kinds of horrible ones with women sprawled out all over the pages, I couldn't look at them, but when I was a boy I would often borrow kenny's.

I feel disgusted by the thought of it now.

We stopped at Tweek Bros. and bumped into Craig., we sat for a while, before I went up to get coffee, when I came back the two was looking through the magazines! I swear I overhead the most disturbing conversation ever.

fit, fit, peng, peng. look at her tits, wow. yum.

I felt horrible, I felt fat, ugly, I thought I may of had a shot with Craig but he's more interested in those girls.

"Guys, ew, put those away before someone sees" I'm sitting again, this time not making eye contact, I don't know what I did to indicate I was pissed, but they seemed to sense it.

"It's alright, being with you is much better" Kenny said in his cheeky tone, he then put the magazine back into the bag while Craig sipped his coffee nodding. I don't know but I couldn't help feel like I wasn't skinny enough, pretty enough, so starting today I'm going on a diet!


	9. Chapter 9

11 June, 2003.

Clyde's party was AMAZING!

Craig had picked me up, as promised and we walked they're together, alone. Once we got there we was quickly invited in, I was immediately pulled away from Craig by Bebe, she pulled me to the corner where the drinks and snacks where and handed me a paper cup with a blue liquid init.

"Thats WKD, It hasn't got that much alcohol content, but it's a good starter." The drink tastes like sweets, and after five of them, she handed me a clear liquid, but by the way we started out it definitely wasn't water. It sure as hell wasn't.

"What's this?"

"Vodka, you're welcome"

"So do i down it?" I got a nod, and after that I downed three, I was feeling dizzy, but everything was wonderful, we has been at Clyde's for an hour.

About twenty minutes later a huge ring circle had sprung into middle of the room for people doing spin the bottle for 7 minutes in heaven.

The first time the bottle landed on me it was Bebe.

I walked into the closet for her to spring on me, she was obviously drunk, but somehow the old me kicked in and kissed her. she tasted of Jack Daniels.

"Seven mintues is- woh. Calm down Bebe." I heard a voice, I silently moved out of the cupboard and shyly sat down.

It was my turn to spin... You'll never guess who it landed on.

Kenny, fucking, McCormick.

He took my hand like a gentleman and led me back into the closet. he locked the door and put his hands either side of me, only because I was back against the wall. He leaned in a pecked me, before pulling away and moving to my ear.

"Your even sexer as a girl, kyle" His voice was soft, even though his words thinking back to them wasn't that much of a good pick up line, but they worked, we kissed and kissed before we was hurled out of the cupboard by Cartman, I think I heard him saying how could kenny kiss a jew, but I didn't care. I went over and got another plastic cup full of vodka, and downed it, the last thing I remember was Craig pulling me out the door.

The next thing I know, I'm in bed, not my bed, but Craig's, while he's on the floor in a sleeping bag, sitting up on his Macbook sipping his coffee.

Let me say I knew I wanted Craig then.

He looked over at me, light hitting his reading glasses, before smiling and setting his coffee and laptop down and coming over to me, he sat on the bed next to me, and ran his hands through my hair.

"Hey, you're awake I see."

"Yeah, um.. What happened?"

He began explaining the events, saying how I became drunk, and he knew my mum would've gone ballistic, so he let me sleep in his bed, while he slept on the floor.

"Thank you" I just hope he didn't see my blush when I said that. God I hope.

"So you slept on the floor for me?"

"Yeah."

"Craig" I remember throwing my arms around him "Thank you, but you didn't have to you know."

"Yes I do."

"Well. thank you anyway, my head hurts" I look at him and frown, He strokes my head before exiting the room, he comes back in with a flannel and rests it on my head, he smiles. I love his smiles.

I notice something while he's holding the flannel to my head,.

No, it couldn't.

Oh. but it was.


	10. Chapter 10

I7 June, 2003.

Sorry about that I got caught up in homework, and before I knew it, it was a new day, but you have a right to know what happened, thus everything will be told.

His sleeve had fallen a bit and I don't know what I saw it was bright red, I moved so quickly it even stunned me, I yanked his sleave down revealing millions of long red lines. I looked at him in disbelief. He just smiled at me like it was nothing.. I don't want to write down the conversation, mainly because It'll hurt me.

Something other than depressing...

Did I tell you about Stan teaching me guitar, probably not. So ever since I became a girl, Stan has taught me how to play the guitar and I'm quite good at it now, I can play lots of spanish music and, some cords from songs.

Stan's been really helpful with that sort of thing, I guess it was away for us to bond.

We go to his room and I sit on his bed next to him, He has a 3/4 length guitar, whereas i have a 1/2, its only a tiny bit smaller than me so I guess it works.

We sit and just play together, if I don't understand something, I just ask him and he demonstrates how, and gives me and explanation.

I guess it also a time to just be us, we can laugh and joke, just mess around, sometimes when I go over to play the guitar with him I don't even get it out and we just talk.

It's time like these where Stan Marsh makes me happy.


	11. Chapter 11

22 June, 2003.

I'm BLEEDING FROM MY VAGINA!

What the bloody fuck? My mother told me it was my period, which means I have a womb and I'm fertile, meaning I'm a girl inside and out.

I thought I would be able just to get sex change back when I was 18, but apparently not. I'm completely stuck.

After an hour of freaking out, screaming, crying and explanations from my mother I told bebe over text, who is happy me, and we're going out to celebrate, just us, because she knows Wendy and that would make fun of me for being a 'late bloomer'

From; Lilah.

To; Bebe

Ok, this is going to sound weird, but do you bleed?

From; Bebe

To Lilah

What do you mean, do I bleed?

From; Lilah

To; Bebe

Like, from your.. um.. you know.

From; Bebe

To; Lilah

Yeh! All girls do, don't rurry b.

From; Lilah

To; Bebe

Oh, good! I was scared. Thanks:-)

From; Bebe

To; Lilah

Why? Did you only just start?;O

From; Lilah

To; Bebe

Yeah, I didn't even know that you could.

From; Bebe

To; Lilah

No one ever told you about periods? Well thats Ok I guess, We can go celebrate your becoming of womanhood. Just don't tell the others.

From: Lilah

To; Bebe

Yeah, that sounds like fun, this saturday, at raisins? and I won't, but why?

From; Bebe

To; Lilah

OK:))))))) Because B, they'll make fun of you for being a late bloomer, ok g2g, byeeeeeee,x.

I am really starting to trust Bebe stevens.


	12. Chapter 12

22 June, 2003.

I'm BLEEDING FROM MY VAGINA!

What the bloody fuck? My mother told me it was my period, which means I have a womb and I'm fertile, meaning I'm a girl inside and out.

I thought I would be able just to get sex change back when I was 18, but apparently not. I'm completely stuck.

After an hour of freaking out, screaming, crying and explanations from my mother I told bebe over text, who is happy me, and we're going out to celebrate, just us, because she knows Wendy and that would make fun of me for being a 'late bloomer'

From; Lilah.

To; Bebe

Ok, this is going to sound weird, but do you bleed?

From; Bebe

To Lilah

What do you mean, do I bleed?

From; Lilah

To; Bebe

Like, from your.. um.. you know.

From; Bebe

To; Lilah

Yeh! All girls do, don't rurry b.

From; Lilah

To; Bebe

Oh, good! I was scared. Thanks:-)

From; Bebe

To; Lilah

Why? Did you only just start?;O

From; Lilah

To; Bebe

Yeah, I didn't even know that you could.

From; Bebe

To; Lilah

No one ever told you about periods? Well thats Ok I guess, We can go celebrate your becoming of womanhood. Just don't tell the others.

From: Lilah

To; Bebe

Yeah, that sounds like fun, this saturday, at raisins? and I won't, but why?

From; Bebe

To; Lilah

OK:))))))) Because B, they'll make fun of you for being a late bloomer, ok g2g, byeeeeeee,x.

I am really starting to trust Bebe Stevens


	13. Chapter 13

28th June, 2003.

The weather's becoming dry and cold, with slight glimpse of heat here and there. I guess the weather is setting the mood and how people interact and there daily plans.

Thankfully it didn't change mine and Bebe's. We still went out for a meal, but we went to Raison's because it's cheep, and the girl's are skimpy, Bebe was a bit sketchy at first, she looked like she was about to sprint any second, and after I asked if anything was the matter, she just simply shook me off, I don't know what came over her, because after a while she was better again we started to discuss my recent happenings, and everything that comes along with this, I guess its a package deal.

She told me that Wendy doesn't get pains at all, were the rest of them are suffering when they're on, I feel bad for them, because I'm new to experience this, I don't understand the pain that follows yet.

After a while of talking our subject went to kyle, and where he went to and how he is and what he's doing at the moment, I'm talking about 'kyle' like he's a different person, I guess I'm used to being Lilah now, but when I told her that he wasn't going to come back to south park, I saw her face drop, I was never really that close with her when I was a boy, but she told me how nice 'his' bum was, and other comments that I didn't know how to respond with, so when she said, "Must run in the family" Winked, blushed and smiled, I was stunned, I just sat for a while taking in the information.

After we had finished eating, and making fun of the girls for there see-through clothing, we left, and began to walk to Clyde's. (Bebe is super close with Clyde, Like I am with Craig and Stan, or Stan and Craig?) We was halfway, before I felt something curl around my hand, I think I'm slow at catching on, because I thought Bebe was being friendly until **she kissed me.**

Bebe Bloody Stevens, kissed me.

I guess I would be lying if I told you I hated it, I don't know, I kissed back... I think I did?

The whole things a blur, I'm still trying to put the puzzle together as we speak.

Because we held hands and kissed a bit, does that mean were going out?

Oh god, another embarrassing conversation I'm going to have with miss. Stevens.


	14. Chapter 14

1 july, 2003.

So I think I might tell Craig and Stan about mine and Bebe's 'date' I do not know how they will react, for I am only recovering myself, the whole thing is sending me into a spiral of confusion, and when I ask Bebe if we was going out she just replied wittily, saying "your choice" What the fuck is she going on about?

What happens if I make the wrong choice? Or I embarrass myself, I still think I like Craig? This whole thing is completely confusing, I'm going to have to talk about it with someone, great.

On better news, I'm really looking forward to 4th of July, I'm going round Stan's and we're going to let off fireworks and party the fourth is like a massive party, and everyone gets drunk, especially Randy. Guy gets pissed out of his mind, quite funny if you ask me, quite embarrassing if you ask stan.

Stan says they're going to be a lot of people there, including some of Shelly's friends. When Stan says 'Friends' he means anyone who is willing to get pissed and do stupid stuff for a laugh, like Kenny, when kenny throws a party, everyone is jumping of the walls, He says he puts caffeine in the drinks to make people not only drunk, but stupidly hyper, I thought that caffeine made you sober? I don't know how Mr. McCormick does it...

What if Bebe goes? What if we both start doing what we did? What if Stan gets moody with me again?

**Shit.**


	15. Chapter 15

5 July, 2003.

Everything, Everything was fantastic, I have a load of homework, and a hangover, but I'm glad everything went well. Even Stan and Craig were talking like old friends, I didn't really see Bebe at the party, I was mostly talking to old friends, OK, so they were all boys... But who cares, When the fireworks went off, everything froze, Stan had really found some beautiful fireworks, we all got sparklers, it feels like a magic wand, I love it, Craig stood behind me at one point, holding my wrist and spinning my arm like a loony, making the metal bend, so it sort of just flopped to the side. WHich made us laugh even harder, I dunno; We was all pretty pissed out of our minds.

I guess I'd be lying if I said I didn't completely hate my female self, I don't really argue as much with Cartman, and he seems to have laid of me, though we don't really talk, its like him and craig have swapped places in our 'gangs'. But Craig and Stan haven't spoken to each other like friends until they're both drunk.

There was a moment, where it was just Kenny, Stan, Craig and I, it just felt like it was meant to be, I look at these boys, who are about a metre taller than me and we just talked, not about all the weird shit thats happened, or my current state, just useless stupid talk like;

"Do you ever wonder why the sky is blue?"

OR.

"Why are our eyes different colours?"  
Just random drunk shit that comes to your mind. I guess it was nice to talk to them, we talked about the talent contest, we talked about the future, about this dance thing where you can win money but I can't dance because "Jewish people don't have rhythm" which I guess is true.

Before Kenny went off with a girl, he said we should do this more often, just the four of us, then like 'Mr. Cool' that he is, he took this girls had, who I've never seen before and led her out the house.

Poor girl.

About my Bebe problems/confusion.

I think I may just say that I don't like the idea of it, apologize to her for maybe leading her on, and ask to be friends, though she keeps sending me the song 'Can't get you outta my head' which I think is happening two ways, because she has clearly taken vacancy in my brain, I honestly don't know what to do, because one minute, we're eating each others faces off, the next we're acting like we don't know one another, may I just add we only act like acquaintances around others, Thankfully.

I overheard Wendy talking about Bebe going through a rough stage with a previous girlfriend.

"Have you heard about Bebe?"  
"Oh yeah! Poor thing!"

"We can't let her get to us though"

"Why?"

"Because we may not want it and if we say, she might go... you know"

All the other girls nodded, then looked at me, the just smiled and brought me into a conversation about shoes.

God, diary, sometimes I wish you could talk back to me. You'd know what to do, maybe you wouldn't even be as confused as me.

Anyway, maths is calling.


	16. Chapter 16

10 July, 2003.

I feel really sick at the moment, I feel like my heart is going to burst through my chest, or will my head explode first? I wonder.

I'm constantly huffing and puffing, I'm sniveling and I'm very nasal, and worse of it is that i look like someone took a red felt tip, and scribbled over my nose.

Thankfully, Stan, Kenny, Craig and Bebe have come to see me and see if I'm alright, all came invidiously of course. Why we couldn't expect anything more from them, could we?

Craig came round first, normally it would be Stan, (so when I said he came round, I lied.) he would rush right over and magically transform into superman, but he had to do something so important with Wendy. I love Wendy, I really do, she's smart, intellectual, funny, and shes really good looking, but when it comes to relationships with Stan, anyone talking to Stan, or just Stan general, she's on it like a crime scene. She constantly is making sure Stans secured safely round her finger, which means no talking/being with me unless she says.

Even when I was a boy, it would be "Sorry Kyle, Wendy.." "Dude, I can't I've got plans with Wendy" "Kyle, I've got to go, Wendy called" now its "Sorry Lilah, I have to go, because Wendy needs me, sorry dude."

Anyway, enough of my bitch fit; Craig brought me ice cream, Diabetic ice-cream, which is weird because I can't remember telling him, but I don't really talk about me having diabetes, unless its just one of those things that pass your lips that you can't remember, or its just past his ear, but the gestured was really nice.

He also brought his laptop, the first apple laptop, airing in 2001. Same year I got my Ipod, new out. Sorry, my headache is making hard to concentrate.

Lilah! Excuses, excuses, excuses.

But we ended up watching movies we watch about half way through 'freddie vs. Jason" And I was crying and hiding all in craig's clothes, whenever someone screamed I screamed.. But Craig just chuckled, probably slightly scared too, hopefully.

About halfway through I was unconsciously screaming "Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!" So he lifted himself from the sofa and turned to TV off.

I sat breathing heavily trying to remind myself that I wasn't real, my eyes and nose was probably redder than they were, probably making me look high, I bet I was a sight.

Craig let out his signature chuckle, before sitting back down next to me. "You know its only a movie right?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean it wasn't scary"  
"So, you're admitting that you was scared" Signature chuckle followed with a signature smirk.

"No! I-I Just feel ill" He touched my forehead, pulling a sarcastic face of worry

"So when you was hiding from the TV, screaming 'turn it off' it was because you wasn't feeling good, I'm glad" He removed his hand "You got me worried" I glared at him.

"Didn't you say you brought me ice cream?" I got off and walked right into the kitchen, I opened the top half of my fridge freezer, moving packets of ice, boxes full of frozen foods, and others things trying to find a small round pot filled with 500 g of ice cream.

"Boo" a blunt voice said into my ear, and I nearly had a heart attack, jumping about five metres up in the air, and three metres out of my skin. That laugh, those arms being wrapped around my shaking waist, it was Craig.

Fucking Tucker.

He wasn't chuckling quietly, he was really going at it, nearly wetting himself, I felt his stomach move as he laughed, I stood there blankly waiting for him to stop. Once he finally settled down, he rested his head on mine.

"Aren't you looking for Ice-cream?"

"Oh, y-yeah I am" I began searching for it again, before he slid his hand in and retrieved it, letting go of me, and plonking it down on the table, letting some of the new ice crystals that was forming fall off.

He began searching for a spoon, but I just stole the pot and plunged my fingers in, sucking it off happily, I still felt sick to the bone, thinking if i was going down, then this ice cream would come down with me.

Luckily I was pulled into my senses when craig stepped out the door, I thought he's left so I ran to the door, turns out he was smoking in my back garden, I stand out with him, looking up at the colorado stars, we don't get much light pollution, ,so luckily, we manage to see the stars ok.

After getting scared and running inside again, Craig left, telling me he'd come by another day.

Still another day hasn't been yet, neither has Stan's "Don't rurry, Lilah; I'll come round soon" Yeah, Whatever Stan.

When Kenny Came round he was more touchy touchy... like he would continuously hover over me, Continuously removing my warm flannel, and dunking it into basin of cold water, before rinsing it and returning it to my head. I don't know how many times he did this, but he wouldn't let me stop him, oh no, I wasn't aloud to stop him, though I tried.

I wasn't aloud to leave the bed, until I was whining about how hot I was; Kenny got anoyed and threw the blankets covering me fall on the floor at the foot of my bed, he then sat me up and gave me a pair of chino styled cargo trousers and told me them to put them on.

Once I did, he hauled me out the door and we ended up going for a walk.

Although I was clinging his arm the whole time so I could stand up straight.

So when we came home, I collapsed onto the sofa.

Its weird because when Bebe came round she was touchy touchy, but more kissy, I don't care if you're ill sort of touchy; I hope I've given it to her.

**I just want ever this bug is, to go away and stay away.**


	17. Chapter 17

20 July, 2003.

7 stitches, 7 pints of blood, 7 days, 7 people awaiting me.

Its funny how the world works, you know. I mean one minute its 12th, you're walking mindlessly down the stairs, next its the 18 and you awake with your mother hovering over you, bawling her eyes out, then a herd of feet shaking the earth, then five painting faces popping out of nowhere to greet you.

Really everything is a blur; apparently I went in a coma for 5 days, and the rest of the hours I was unconscious...

I can't remember anything other than losing my eyesight, then having a sharp pain to slap the back of your head, I remember not being able to push myself up, I remember seeing all my friends, with red panting faces appear at my hospital door, I remember my mother saying something to them; a bitterness in her voice, I remember them talking to me...

"Lilah, you're awake!"

"I thought I'd never see your eyes again"

"Lilah, you got us really worried."

I also remember darkness enclosing me again, I remember their shouts, pleads; but I slipped back under the drugs; now its the following day.

My head aches from blacking out on my wooden stairs, apparently my skull cracked and I went under, I lost a pint of blood, which in some cases is good?

I found out why I've been feeling so shit lately, because apparently my blood sugars are too too high, and my prescription isn't high enough, and my blood sugars became too much for my body to cope with, causing me to black out.

The boys came back again today, talking to me, without my mother, father and brother, hovering over us like flies, my brother I guess is alright, he's at that age where he's cool to be around, but doesn't understand a lot of things you say, though he's extremely smart.

Mum, Dad, Ike, Craig, Kenny, Stan and Cartman were the stomping of feet by the way. Craig didn't really say much, just stare at me with his deep grey eyes, taking everything in; Stan was hovering about, holding my hand, telling me I'd be fine, crying at one point. Cartman was laughing at him, stopping once he saw everyones cold 'frost' stares.

Cartman was making awkward idle chatter, Kenny held my other hand, stroking it with his thumb, whispering soothing words.

I just wanted to talk to Craig, I didn't/don't know what about, but I just want it to be us, outside looking at the stars, him probably smoking; like always. I'd be wrapped up well bundled in scarves, gloves hats, and Craig's arms, we just stay there for hours.

First things first, I want out of this hospital bed. So I asked the boys to bring me 7 THINGS Ironisim.

"Can you guys bring me some things from home?"

"Sure, Li" My new nickname, it looks like 'lee' when they write it, but they pronounce it 'Lie' which is cute sometimes

"What do you want?" That was Craigs husky voice, yuuuuumm. I think these drugs are making everything funny because when I looked up at them they all had moustaches on.

"why do you have moustaches on?" They just laughed.

"I think you need to lay of the drugs" Kenny giggled

"oh, can I have socks, bras, pants, this book that none of you can read or I'll rip your moustashes of, my pillow, pjamas, and foooooooddd"

"Your being fed right now?"

"I am?"

"Yeah" They all chuckled; they lightly tugged the tube feeding me, that had been stuffed up my nose. I began to fiddle with it, not knowing what it was, then my mind clicked and I saw them leaving.

"wait, Craig stayy" He just turned and nodded, plonking down next to me and taking my hand, he smiled at me and I smiled back

"I don't wanna be aloneee" I was slurring all my words together, adding extra syllables, I'm going to miss out the conversation about camels; I was seriously drugged up.

I don't how the conversation started, much like the camel one, but I began talking about his eyes "You have really pretty eyes" I was pulling his head closer, he was smirking at me and my woosy attempts. "I wanna see them"

"You already can" He put a large cupped hand on top of the one I had resting on his cheek, he pulled at it slightly, and it flopped onto my lap, I just moved my head closer, and thats when I heard snickering from the door, to see Kenny, Stan and Cartman standing there.

Kenny with two giant fluffy pillows in his hand, smiling away, Stan, mouth agaped, holding three sets of neatly folded pjama's, with my 'diary' or 'observational jornal' on top of the pile, and Cartman holding two carrier bags that I guessed had my underwear in it.

"Hey guys, Check his eyes"  
"They turned her drug supply up while you was gone" they all made 'O' sounds and nodded once.

"Hey, where did your moustaches go?"

I feel like a** twat** now, but I only remember that much.


	18. Chapter 18

A day in 2003.

All the days are beginning to blur; I don't know the time, I just know its dark outside, I don't know who's with me, I just see their silhouettes, I don't know anything but that I'm off drugs, I had so much pumped into my system, that the doctors couldn't give me anymore. A few hours after the drugs had began to flush out of my system, I began to feel depressed, Kenny calls this a '_low_' I guess I could say I am at a low? I'm definitely not at a '_high_' anymore. I remember faintly talking about things and being completely out of it. I must of been a nightmare.

Anyway; news time!

1. I'm leaving the hospital next week, maybe. They said after I've had my operation and I'm _fit and healthy_ I shall be able to depart from this shithole of a hospital.

2. My operation. Blood transfusion - they are going to take about 4 - 5 pints of my high sugared blood, and replace it with non shit blood. yay. I not going to lie, I'm really really scared about this operation, because I remember getting AIDs when Cartman got new blood. Thankfully we got a shot of money directed into our bloodstream. Ouch; when they take my 4 - 5 pints, I won't be worth a _million_ dollars any more.

3. Shellys got a new bf, but he lives in California and she knows her parents won't let her see him because of exam/collage issues, meaning she is going to be taking us, woo. As an excuse to see her '_daddy' _or her_ 'boo_' Basically is we do go, we'll get dumped in a motel for two weeks with a fuck load of cash "_Being jewish means you have to be the one to look after money._" Thanks Stan.

4. I haven't seen Bebe in a while - two weeks I think? Wendy came by herself because she's really sweet sometimes, and I asked her about Bebe's last relationship, and she told me this -

"Bebe just got out of a strong relationship, and she's now not used to being alone or without someone, so she just likes to try and get that attention and affection of others who don't want to kiss her, though she needs support and friends at the moment, I feel sorry for who else has been having unsuspecting make out sessions with Bebe the boob queen."

I felt really bad about what I had been saying about her these last few entries, but my gut told me it was wrong; my gut was right. Like most of the time

I proceeded to tell her about everything thats happened to me with her, some things I haven't told you. Like how she came into my house when Butters and Craig was there and just began to kiss me in the doorway, she was _drunk_ so she had an excuse, another time where we was in town and she kept squeezing and slapping my arse. She went to the point of pulling up my skirt for the whole shopping centre to see, I felt physically sick after that.

Wendy told me about her 'run ins' with Bebe; though they're a lot worse than mine, and slightly grim. She began kissing her and making out, holding her boobs and squeezing them, demanding sex, having sex; I don't know how? Bebe apparently was so livid that Wendy objected, she tied her to her bed, and left her there for an hour! I don't think this is true; and she is making a small amount of this up, but if she isn't lying then bless her.

She also told he she hasn't even had it with Stan, so to have Bebe doing things to her is just... _Colourful_. She told me she might tell Stan and she wants me to ask him to bring up sex with her in a chat. I told her I will; she apologised to me for anything that Stan has stood me up for for her. I couldn't help but smile.

I don't know how but we started talking about tampons, apparently all the girls wear them because they don't want to smell, thats why they spend a lot of time in the bathroom together. It makes sense now from the point of view of a boy.

* * *

**Hello first and hopfully only Authors note; I just want to thank everyone for the reviews/favourites/follows. It means a lot to me and I just want to thank everyone - please tell me what you think and continue to follow my story; you guys are my inspiration, and my shower. **

**I just want to say I want you guys to tell me some things you would like in the story. I've already been asked for a bit of pregnancy, love triangles, unlikely characters; which I'm all trying to fit in.**

**Please please please give me something you want to happen.**

**~Craig and those guys.**


	19. Chapter 19

I still don't know what day it is.

I'm becoming more and more frightened by the passing hour. I can hear the clock laughing at me when it ticks away those precious minutes before I have my operation, I'm really starting to freak, will it leave another stupendous scar that shall be with me, much like my kidney transplant one. Will I have stitches and have to watch the nurses with their plastic smile and their unconvincing charm thread me back together. I'd feel sick.

My mum brought be the book "The Lonely Bones" and I yet do not know what to think of it, I guess the story is both sad a thrilling, but it confuses me.

My doctor told me that after my operation, I'll have to stay at the hospital a week after, to make sure everything is ok, then they'll discharge me and I'll be on my way.

I hope this book will keep me occupied until that day.

He also tells me that he'll be putting me on a new drug; he says that it shall help my recovery, but shall send me into a _state_ for a while, when I try to ask him what he means, he says "I can't really explain it, my dear, take the drugs and find out for yourself" I know if my mother knew about this new drug that she wouldn't allow it until she knew what it did to one's state of mind and body.

Off the subject of hospitals. It was everyone's last day of school, I'm sad that I didn't get to spend it with them, but they all came to visit me after that last bell. The nurse asked them several times to leave, but they all ignored her; so in the end she gave up and left us to our 'antics'.

Have 25 odd kids in a small hospital room, fit for one bed, and maybe five visitors to come in, and have room, was crazy. There was all sort of conversations going on between everyone.

"Some people aren't even that close with the girl, they should leave"

"Who's standing on my foot?"

"Oi, who's _grabbing_ my arse?"

"It smells in here"

"I'm going to die from lack of oxygen."

It was funny to listen to people talk mindlessly, I also enjoyed the idle chats with people I haven't seen in a while. It was nice to have people who care, and communicate.

I talked to people about loads of things, exams, star wars, my eyebrows that Wendy did for me two days ago, I think... Hospital stuff, really anything, it was nice to see people again.

It ended with about 7 of them in the room with me, Butters, Cartman, Wendy, Craig, Kenny, Stan, Clyde and Tweek.

Over the years Tweek's twitching has calmed down, rumour has it that he was taken to a mental hospital, and Craig helped him through.

I went to a mental hospital before, people didn't believe in Mr. Hankey, but now they all do. I guess it was the same for "the underpants gnomes" People believe Tweek now, and we saw them so I guess I have to believe and trust him.

If he did go, then it was sweet that Craig helped him through, Tweek and Clyde are his best friends and its nice to see them looking after each other.

On the subjects of Mr. Tucker. He wants snake bites.

Snake bites, if you do not already know are where you get both sides of your bottom lip done. I don't know how to react or tell him not to get it done because, I myself do not know if it will suit him, I guess it will - its Craig; you could put a_ Disney princess_ dress on him and he'd look the same &_ so cute_. Same goes for Kenny and Stan.

He also doesn't swear, I've only just noticed this, he only flips people off, gives them _the bird_, you know. Its strange, I think its just some trait his family has.

OK; I need to stop talking about this boy and get some fresh, well deserved air.

Did I mention that I haven't eaten the whole time I've been here. Not because the hospital food is disgusting, which it is, but because I'm being fed through a tube.

Gross right? _Wrong_! I hate tubes and needles, but I don't feel anything, only when I sneeze, then it has to be cleaned... OK, thats gross.

Woopie Operation tomorrow, fingers crossed I don't die.


	20. Chapter 20

Apparently its the 26.

Yesterday I had my operation, I was asleep for the whole of it, so I can't tell you precisely what happened, but whatever drug the injected into my arm made queasy, I felt like I was having to watch black come and enclose me in nothingness. I woke up not feeling my heart pumping into my chest, or my head throbbing; as if the two are competing for who is the most painful and noticeable.

Head - most painful

Heart - Noticeable.

Which kind of sucks. I wasn't aloud to have any visitors outside family, which sucks even more. My mum looked pale and told me she loved me too many times, my dad gave me reassuring smiles, and my brother, tenderly squeezed my hand every now and again, once they had all bid me farewell; that's when the doctor came in with the _drug_ I don't know what you should call it? For it is definitely not a drug. Far from it; it makes my vision more hazed then it already is, everything and everyone changes, for instance, I thought Wendy had come, turns out it was one of the nurses, I also thought Ike was still with me and we began chatting until the nurse I mistook for Wendy came it and asked who I was talking too, and once I had brought my eyes back to Ike, he was gone, puufff.

After a lot of questions and unanswered questions, I was put to rest for the night, but I couldn't help how the little pills and injections made me feel.

I had a dream that I want to write down, for it was particular.

_**I had woke up in my bed, staring into the dark room, only to see a small beacon of light glowing from the top of the room, I went to stand up, only realising that I wasn't in my bed any more, but I was floating in around in what seemed like space, endless darkness that I'd never explore, I was too interested in the small ball of light.**_

_**I reached out to grab it, noticing that it was far away, and I'd have to make my way to it. I begin to struggle as I try to move myself towards the light.**_

_**After what feels like a lifetime I realise the best way up is in a breaststroke manor, as I begin to do so, I realise I'm not floating effortlessness in space, but I'm swimming. And I need to breath.**_

_**The struggle is on as I swim my hardest to reach the light that looks like land, I begin to close on it quickly, My hand stretched out it shows sea level, I feel another hand wrap around my own. Pulling me out of the water.**_

_**But the minute I breath I'm awake again, sputtering for air.**_

Funny how these dreams come about; I'm not really a dreamer, if I do come into contact with a dream, its probably a memory; mostly good, but the occasional bad, like this bad memory.

I was laying in the hospital, they had finally let my friend see me, after talking through the medication and operation with them, a small sturdy character entered the room, black hair that looked wet a moulded his head shape; he was wearing a long lab coat and coughed loudly, ignoring everyone else in the room.

"Ah, Miss. Broflovski, it seems the drugs will play with your next period, but, seeing your tests isn't for a couple of weeks, you may not miss it as the drugs with be out of your system by then, but we would like to warn you now" He then left, ignoring everyone's astonished looks.

That's when they all found out I was 100% female. Inside and out. Stan was saving for my sex change, Craig just looked at me blankly, Kenny "Woo-hoo"'d through his parka, that he only rarely wears now, and Cartman had a knowing smile, but denied any knowledge of the inside part.

Waaa waa wwaaaaaa.

**Game over. **


	21. Chapter 21

29th July, 2003.

I hate these drugs so much. Everything is spinning, or changing colour; Stan had to babysit me for the day, and apparently I had been hallucinating. I hadn't, he just didn't see.

I saw Christophe and Gregory. I promise I saw them. But because stan didn't believe me, he tried to make me take that god awful medicine, if you can call it that? Then Kenny and Craig came and now I'm in bed.

Lets start at the beginning.

My parents had to go out for the day, they would come back tomorrow, they asked if stan could make sure that i got my medicine because otherwise I'd be in a state and i wouldn't take it myself. Os when Stan arrived I slumped down on the sofa and watched him talk to my mum. Everything was a bit fuzzy and I couldn't make out the words, I then watched my dad pat Stan on the back and leave.

Then it was just us two alone, in the house, a huge HUGE house, when did it become this big? I know, since I'd been drugged.

He slumped down next to me, letting my lay all over him, before he flicked the TV on, I can't remember what he was watching but I knew it must of been intriguing, because he was so caught up in it he didn't realise he was practically massaging my feet. I don't know how long I'd laid there but I remember him talking to me,I couldn't hear him at the time I guess my body shut down because he had to change me out of my pajamas into jogging bottoms because I guess I was unresponsive, I just forgot how to act, speak, be..

I remember being pulled out the door, and I remembered vaguely that I'd need to wrap my arms around him or else I'd fall.

So thats what I did.I held onto him until I saw something, call this an Alice In Wonderland moment if you will but I saw Christophe, or 'Ze Mole' running, My body just clicked and I was running after him, calling for him.

I couldn't see anything but him, staring at me,

..la resistance lives on.

His final words before dying in my arms.

"Wait, please!" I called out to him,but my voice was dry and sore, I remember hearing Stan's faint voice, echoing through my head "Lilah! Wait, stop!"

I remember running down an alley, it wasn't until I got towards the end, where a giant metal fence grew from the ground, did I see him staring at me.

"Who are you, how do you know my name?" I choked out a reply

"You, you died in my arms? how?" He walked around me, I think I had been swaying, I remember looking into his eyes, they were hasle, so if I can remember that, I must of have seen him, right?

I hear a stern cough, I whip around to see Gregory standing there, looking all fine and British, the way that he does. "Who are you?" I just looked at him, as he walked back round to stand next to Ze Mole who was still behind me

Before I could follow in pursuit, I saw Stan, running towards me, and at this point I had realised that it was raining.

I tried to show him the boys but they had gone. Unseen, Unheard. Almost dead to the world.

I remember being dragged home, calming words, But it wasn't until I heard "medication" that my head snapped and I chose to refuse.

"NO! I don't want it, please Stan!" I remember crying at him as he hurled me inside, "Stan, if you was my best friend, you wouldn't do this, you can't so this, please!"

I remember sitting on a chair, Stan on the floor, Running to the door to be hit by a soft wall of Kenny, I remember Kicking and screaming, begging and pleading. I also recall Craig showing up and some point.

"Sh, its alright, I'm here" I saw him touch my cheak, but I didn't feel it, I was alone with him, and the world was shaking as we spoke, I guess I was the one shaking thinking back. "I got you, no ones gonna hurt you, your safe, please?"

I remember nodding and taking them, three colourful pills, before standing up and Craig, who was still crouching to pull up my top so it hug around my hips and inject me with the rest just next to my hip bone.

I think he kissed it after, but I don't want to ask just incase it was an illusion.

These drugs are messing with my life, I hate it... I want out I want out I want out. Soon, I hope.

4 more days of this, then we go on holiday with Shelly, and have a week to prepare for the new year at school.

* * *

**I'm really sorry that I haven't posted as of late, you see I had a 10 hour art exam that was my priority I think about 5 more chapters, or 'diary posts' and this will be a finished story. **

**Love you guys - keep reviewing and following.**


	22. Chapter 22

1st August, 2003

I have on day left of on the medicine; I den't leave the bed because the floor has become millions of snakes, slithering over each other trying to reach my bed, although how hard they try, or how loud I scream for them to stop, they're unable to reach my bed. F

At one point Ike had to come in to stop me screaming, the snakes made a pathway for him, letting him step freely, but as soon as he moved forward, the snakes would reclose the path.

Although he tried to calmer it didn't work, I was trying to convince him to see. But he wouldn't cooperate he just made me swallow more pills and told me to go back to sleep.

Which I did, now I'm awake watching the floor squirm with bugs, Beatles, and other gruesome creatures.

Wendy and Stan came round to see how I was doing earlier, before the floor melted into snakes and so they could take me out again, because last time was such a success.

So we was in town, Wendy continuously sutterly moaning about how she couldn't come and how I was lucky that I was going to be away from my parents for week. She also dropped some get-anything-on-with-Stan-and-I'll-kill-you hints _which I have taken great fully._

We stopped at a shop that did swimwear, I was reluctant to enter, because I knew it was going to be gorgeous blinds, letting their body's hand out of tiny straps of waterproof material. I was right; of course.

The worst part was having Wendy tell me I would have to try them on. I did but it had some talking about, in the end Stan had to wait outside the shop door, looking so out of place and perverted at the same time.

I feel sorry to him, he looked dreadfully embarrassed, poor thing.

After ramming through various collections we decided on a white and green bikini, because _apparently greens my colour, and white just seems to bring attention to your hair._

After having a hissy fit and clinging to stan because the floor that dissapperared and was just black, I took my meds twice before returning and falling asleep, I awoke with my ma finishing the last of my packing. Which I thanked her for, dearly.

The last time I saw Jenny Pperently I gave him a bruise, you can't see it unless he's naked or wearing speedos, so I worry for the people that will have to see the bruise with all the rest of the McCormick going on.

I haven't heard from Craig, Butters, or Eric in the past few weeks, not since the hospital, but I know they're well, I have heard from various sources.

I have read through my diary a few times and realised they're some questions coming to mind that people won't tell me.

1. Like why Craig and Stan hated each other and are now BFFs?

2. Or why Bebe suddenly came onto me like that?

3. Or why girls are so bitchy?

4. Or why girls turn on you because they find out you have friends who are boys?

5. What did I do when I was drunk?

6. Why was a drinking?

There are many things I meant to think about , or would like to know. I am thinking about asking theses and demanding questions until someone gives me answers.

Though I don't know what I'm expecting. Maybe something that its completely Irrelevant, maybe complete opposite. You knows?

Even though, I really want to know.

I called Craig earlier, he said that he couldn't talk rig then so he'd come round later and talk to me then, I am waiting for him now and I believe that this is the perfect time to ask him the questions regarding him and see his verdict on it.

* * *

Craig has just left even though he was smiling I could tell that it was forced, but never the less, he gave me answers.

I have numbered my questions, so I'll just write down the answers.

1. Stan and Craig had a fall out right before I became a girl, they said it escalated quickly, and didn't help you dilemma, Craig wouldn't tell me what it was about but he said that "I was drunk and he was drunk, but we shouldn't of done it" I think they had sex? If they did then I don't mind, I think that if I was still a boy and he had told me that I'd probably try and get Stan to bed. I wonder who topped? Because I can see neither for them taking.

2. Bebe recently broke up with her girlfriend, things had become good between the two of them and that they was oath very happy, somehow they bre up and Bebe needed comfort, although all her friends are as straight as a ruler, she turned to me because I was knew, and seemed the kind to experiment, at the same time she did the same to Wendy, who is too close with Bebe to drop her like that. Finally she stopped, but I guess that's how she dealt with a small patch of depression.

3. Hormones, girls become jealous and or believe they are better than someone, so slagging them off us perfectly normal.

4. Jealousy and envy, basically.

5. Craig said u would blurt out insanity, I also begged for Craig to lay in bed with me, but he declined and set himself up on the floor, really cute of him!

6. I realised I had to answer this myself, I guess I was so caught up in the moment that I realised Jews don't/shouldn't drink.

They were my answers, I'm glad I finally don't have this blank patch in my brain, I hate it, I feel so stupid and it weirds me out.

I also found out playing my guitar calms the snakes, so I am doing that right now.


	23. Chapter 23

3rd August, 2003.

WE HAVE LEFT FOR CALIFORNIA! Shelly rented a campervan for us to travel there and back in which is helpful because it gives us room to stretch our limbs, we left really early this morning, about half three; a whole day of traveling and we'll sleep in a motel on the way down, then more traveling.

Shelly's boyfriends apartment is near our holiday home, so she can keep tabs on her just incase anyone calls to see how she's handling us, or we're handling her.

At the moment we're at the motel, we have just come back from a walk to burn a few calories, before we sleep and to stretch our legs. Shelly cooked us pizza and is talking to Stan about money. Kenny and Craig are in the lounge watching telly and I'm sitting in my room, that I have to share with shelly for the night because we're both women.

On the way down everyone was discussing all our possible choices on what to do for the next week and a bit, We're going to a waterpark and theme park, beach everyday; where we'll end up doing nothing, but getting annoying grains of sand stuck to us, irritating your skin.

I'll probably have to cook for everyone because everyone else will be 'can't be bothered' 'lets go out instead'.

We talked about hitting the town a couple of times. But we're not 18 so drinks are off limit, but Kenny will have something up his sleave like he always does.

Shelly told us that it was cheaper to purchase a family room instead of four single beds. So after a lot of arguing, and me losing, I have to share the double with Stan.

Because if the boys sleep together than its 'gay', but if I sleep together with one of them, then it makes us a big happy family. I think not.

I just setup my video camera, so its ready for the days ahead. My mother gave it to my as a ''memory builder'' Its more of a spy cam, but I'm not passing up the opportunity; It'll be great to look back on all the weird shit we do together. Although my Ma's unsure of letting me go on holiday alone with just boys.

I said "Ma, Stan's like a brother to me, as is Craig" I didn't know what to say for kenny, because he's always been the sexually active freak, trying to get into everyone's pants "And.. Um, Kenny, Well Kenny's gay..." God, I was lying through clenched teeth, although Kenny doesn't mind boys, that doesn't mean he won't go for a good pair of tits.

Lets face it this is going to be one hell of a holiday.

* * *

Guys, I am so sorry that I haven't updated in so long, 4 chapters until I finish.


	24. Chapter 24

5th August.

After two nights of perfection, we are dined winded and fine, if I must say. I have 'fined' a dear fellow, to dearly and he decided to 'talk' to me, which was exciting and new. Wow the perks of being a girl. Woohoo.

His name was Peter, He looks like a skinny Clyde with blonde hair. He's decent but nowhere near Craig

We were relaxing and being dickheads on the beach, I had slipped away from the guys to rinse the sand that had been irritating my skins for the last, god knows how long. After forgetting I was in a swimming costume I bent over to rinse my hands, I heard a whistle to my left and shot straight up and look towards that direction.

This was when he approached me.

He said "Hi"

So I said "Hey"

So Then he replied with "I couldn't help but notice you, you have really pretty red hair"

So I blushed and thanked him, for him to say "My names Peters, yours?

Guess what I said? "Lilah"

"Thats really pretty, I haven't heard it before, where are you from, Liliah"

Guess what I said again! "Colorado, South Park"

He shrugged "I've never heard of it, but it must be heaven if angels like you come from their"

Cheesy I know, but I blushed again, hoping that it passed off as burnt cheeks.

**"**I know this will make me sound like a pervert, but I have been 'studying' you for a while, and was wondering if you was free maybe tomorrow night, if you want to, honestly I'm fine with no" This was his turn to blush.

So I agreed which led to him proceeding to hand me a card with details on it then me accepting. Then we talked for a excessive while longer, him telling me about California, and me telling him about South Park.

Once I had returned to the guys, they all looked at me with smug little looks upon their faces. I told them to "Piss off out of it" But they carried on asking questions.

"So, When will we meet the new hubby?" - Craig

"I swear to god, If he hurts my Bubbalicious I'll kill the man" - Stan

"I think I have some spare condoms you could borrow" - Kenny

They dropped it soon after I fished out my Video Camera, and we had a productive day of being Morons.

After we finally came home, threw together something to eat, we slumped down in front of the telly, I'm looking forward to my date tomorrow night.

Although the snide remarks haven't been washed away with the tide, they were after we had to establish what we was going to do tomorrow with now a time on things for me.

The worst part is, I'm like 15. Oh god, this is going to be one weird arse date; but when has anything in my life not come under the title 'weird' or 'abnormal'

* * *

**Weh. At the moment I have no inspiration, no nothing** **I wish to complete this in the near future. **

**Thank you for your patience. **


	25. Chapter 25

7 August, 2003.

Last night began well and ended in a blur, remember the date with Peter - The one I met on the beach? - Well; we went out as planned.

I had decided to dress in a long maxi dress, and plaited my hair, which accompanied some fake flowers. He wore a short sleeve dress shirt, with black trousers. He's blonde hair, untamed and flicky. Now; I may be 15, but I look 17. So this is why I believed to have scored a date with a 23-25 year old boy who was beginning to grow stubble over his chin.

He decided to take me into the town centre, where we followed large dancing crowds and became lost in music. _Looking back I wish I'd lost him altogether._

We had eaten by this point, and we talked about one another. This is basically all I know about him.

-He grew up in Montana, but moved to LA when he was 13.

-When he left home he moved here.

-He's training to become a Lifeguard thingy. _Which honestly should __**never**__ be aloud. __**Ever. **_

-He's a vegetarian.

-Atheist.

Sounds decent right? WRONG.

I still feel uneasy and tense when I think about it.

We had decided to call it a night, and go home; he said he knew the streets of California like the back of his hand, I took his word for it. So when we get down a closed off alley. He throws me against the wall, where he holds on of my wrists on the wall above my head. I begin to struggle and scream like we all do. Before his free hand falls behind his back to bring out a pocket knife. Now imagine you're in this situation. Having a knife pressed so hard against your throat you can feel droplets of blood escaping you, and all you can do is stare at the guy doing in it with wide teary eyes. Your throat is dry, and he leans forward and kisses you. He pulls back and instructs you to strip. And because there's a weapon - you respond.

But what came next was extraordinary. The weight on me shifts before its completely gone. I fall to the ground and look in his direction. Kenny, Stan and Craig are beating the shit out off him. I mean literally _beating the crap outta him_. There's blood and anony filled cries. Shouts and threats.

A hand falls on my shoulder, and I look up to see Craig, he's staring at me and I know he's sorry. I smile as a thank you, as he helps me up, I glance back at Stan and Kenny who are still going at him. Craig whistles and the look up at him, stand up and hug me.

Kenny lifts me bridal style as Stan frets over my neck, and Craig silently slips my hand into his, and begins to reassuringly squeeze it.

I remember waking up at home, with all three of them plus Shelly and some dude with love bites all over his neck and wonkey glasses staring down at me.

The boy with glasses who turns out to be Shelly's boyfriend said my neck should heal itself for the wound isn't that deep. I smiled and said thank you and Stan said I should get some rest so I did.

After practically yelling at Stan, we are able to spend the rest of our time here before returning home.

It was partly because I don't want my mum to fuss over me, and partly because I do not want Shelly to leave her boyfriend. They're really cute.


	26. Chapter 26

15th August, 2003.

The week has been like I was a) a conjoined twin one of the boys which were always at my side caring for me or b) a priceless jewel that cannot be left alone.

The became less clingy as the week progressed I suppose I should be grateful because of them but even my thanks felt cold on my lips, so I would just smile up at them and nod.

We are going home tomorrow as my cut has become a small scratch which stops my worrying about if that beast had cut a vein or artery. We are finished packing and are soaking up the last of the sun, Stan says we should head back soon, I agree but Craig doesn't look too eager. He really enjoys the ocean, he doesn't get to visit the coast much, but the majority of the summer he's been surfing and I can tell he doesn't want to go back to South Park. Although he loves snowboarding (as do the rest of us) I can tell he loves the waves and the hot sun burning down on his back.

* * *

We left the beach ages ago and Craig said he was nipping out for a quick walk, and I knew he was going to back to the beach, so sneaking little me decided to follow him and guess what.

Suspicion confirmed. He had a picnic blanket, a small basket and was looking down upon the blue waves, which dived messily at one another before crashing into the sand. I sat down a few metres behind him and took my sandles of, clutching them in one hand as I looked out over the ocean.

It was truly beautiful. Craig was also truly beautiful.

As he hadn't noticed me I snuck up behind him, as I drew closer I could hear a small thump of music _The Beatles Yellow Submarine _came into earshot. He seemed happy.

I basically pounced on him, throwing my arms around his neck, dropping my shoes and giggling as he jumped. He gaped at me whilst he was regaining his breath before he pinned me to the blanket and smirked playfully

"Thats it. Game on"

And I was up over his shoulder, advancing towards the sea. He pretended to drop me and I clung to him desperately trying not to get wet. I wrapped my dress around my legs so it wouldn't glide across the water as I nearly strangled him.

He then smiled at me, as I slowly slid out of his arms and into the knee deep water, holding my dress up in attempt to keep it dry, but the waves lapped to my front and soon there was no point, I still managed to tie it in a knot so you could see my bikini pants under.

I pinned my hair up before splashing him, he did the same, and before I knew it we was having a full out water fight, this time, when he picked me up, I was dropped, but he went under with me.

We went in so deep that I couldn't stand and I wrapped my limbs around him. We just stood staring at one another, before he leaned forward and kissed me.

His lips are flawless, soft and moist, his scent strong and heart melting, his arms strong and powerful and his eyes, I could stare at his grey-blue eyes for eternity.

We stayed at the beach until it became dark, sitting in nothing but swimming gear, letting our clothes sit beside us, we have left our music playing; it hadn't of mattered for we was the only two on the beach.

I leaned into his side, and we stared at the sun being swallowed by the sea. The red blue sky mixing with the deep blue sea was a slight.

He stared down at me, lips parting and words slipping.

"I love you"

**sorry about the lateness, I am really sorry. **


	27. Epilogue

1st October, 2013.

Its been 10 years since I last wrote in this diary, I read through it a few days ago, sometimes I wouldn't even re-read what I had put and some parts made more than no sense to me.

In my last entry I wrote that Craig told me he loved me, he still does. I still love him too. We're together; special basis because we want to live but we also want to be aloud to love each other and not having to call it 'friends with benefits'.

We made a pack, that we could party, live, have one night stands, anything we please until we settle down. Thus we lived, got pissed had sex and became creatures of the night.

This pact ended today.

Both 26, great jobs, beautifully small house, ready to settle down and make a family.

And today something so enchanting happened that I cannot put it into words.

We went out on a picnic to the place where he told me he loved me, in California. As like last time the beach was bare and the waves shook, and lapped at one another.

This time we drank and talked and kissed and sang, laughed and danced and then as the sunset descended upon us, he got down on one knee, brought my hand into his and murmurs.

"Lilah Isaac Broflovski, you have brought everything good and pure and wonderful to my life, I cannot think of a world without you, I cannot think of a place where I cannot awake to your eyes glittering at me, or a place where the sun sets without your smile. A place without your laugh filling the air. A far-away land which misses your knowledge. Somewhere where no one can witness your beauty. I don't want that place. I want to be in the only place which contains you.

"Lilah, I love you. I mean it, I love everything about you. I promise to protect and to love you, to hold and to comfort. To love you until time runs out.

"So Miss. Broflovski. Would you do me the honest favour of becoming Mrs. Lilah Isaac _Tucker_, and marring me?"

By the now the sun had disappeared so had everything except him. I cried, I nodded, I kissed him with so much love, he held me with so much passion.

"I love you" I whispered.

And even when his shaky hand slid the beautiful silver diamond ring onto my finger, he whispered repetitively "I love you, I love you too, I love you.. Forever..."

And I swear at that moment the world spun for only_ us_.

* * *

**The end. **


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